Casually enabling abuse

[Disclaimer] I am aware that what I’m writing is public and will be read by my abuser at one point or another. I know there will be a day when I will receive an ignorant or sarcastic comment, or even a threat invalidating everything I say. I know that even 10 years after I left this type of environment, I might still get attacked and attempts might be made to silence my voice. I still fear the reactions I might receive, and that’s why I have to do it.

A few years ago, I wrote my first post about “emotional abuse” admitting I had experienced it during my childhood. I explained the symptoms and some of the impact it had on my life back then. Since some more years have passed, I thought it would be a good idea to reflect on it. The bad news is, that certain traumas still haunt me, especially when it comes to relationships. The good news? I did make progress as well: I’m overall more confident and have been able to express myself using the act of performing.

In this little article, I want to focus a bit more on how bystanders react and which impact you, as an outsider, can have on such complicated situations. I have been neglected and abused over a timespan of 20 years, and it seems without any consequences for the abuser. This might be hard to understand, and from what I’ve heard, it’s not uncommon that breaking free can be hard. With my own experiences, I’ll attempt to explain why it is so difficult.

“She is the real victim, put yourself in her shoes”

Most people who know you, also know your abuser, because you’re close to them. This makes it difficult for them to be objective about the situation. Most people want a situation that is a perfect “happy happy” outcome, that works out for everybody. Your abuser may be a victim themselves, which does not imply you’re not suffering or their actions are any less harmful.

In my situation, my mother was considered a victim because of some bad things that happened at her job, her illnesses, and probably a bunch of other stuff. By considering her a victim, family and friends would not criticize her that much for her actions. Bystanders would expect me, as a child, to be tolerant and understanding as she was going through a tough time.

Both my sister and stepdad would defend her frequently, saying things like:

• “She doesn’t get drunk EVERY night. It only happens when she’s in a bad mood.”
• “Although it doesn’t always look like it, she does love you.”
• “She yells at you because she cares about you.”
• “She’s still your mom.”

Situations when I look at them now objectively, reach a higher level of surrealism than a Dali painting. They would keep on defending that she had admin access to my bank accounts even though I was already working full-time and she didn’t. Or defending how I should just “answer the questions” when she was interrogating me and calling me disabled after I asked to hang out with some friends.

Everybody around you just keeps defending terrible behavior up til a point where you, the victim, actually believe it’s your fault. You should’ve just done what she said. You should apologize over and over. It’s not just victim blaming. It’s straight-up gaslighting and enabling the abuse.

Fear

Empathizing with the abuser isn’t the only reason. Sometimes bystanders can also be afraid to intervene in a situation. It’s so much easier and safer not to get involved.

When I was around 18 (I think), I ran off to my aunt and uncle. Mother and stepdad were going on a trip and asked me specifically not to help my nephew with his computer (for some “sane” and “reasonable” explanation I never received). I already spoke with my aunt once before, when I secretly visited telling her my mother was going crazy. The day I went over to fix the computer, was already the second or third time I tried to tell them things weren’t going well.
That particular day, my stepdad called me when he didn’t find me home to be mad on my mom’s behalf. I said I didn’t want to go home and this time my grandmother and aunt stepped in trying to mitigate the situation. They went to talk with my mother and returned crying. Two grown adult women returned crying by trying to offer help to someone in their family.
Only an hour later, they sent me back home, to my mother who just heavily attacked them.
Are they to blame? I’m not saying that it was not an easy situation. However, sending me back kept them safe and unharmed. It is just way easier not to get involved.

On the topic of fear, my stepdad, who was married to my mother, also was afraid of her. Whatever thought, opinion, or terrible perspective on the world she had, he would never dare to deny it. He would “resolve” each conflict between mother and children by talking to me and my sister, and then eventually agreeing with mom. He ended up starting another relationship in secret (also known as cheating) out of fear and ended up escaping his previous toxic relationship, leaving me and my sister behind. I know, I also escaped leaving my sister behind, but as you might’ve noticed, no one’s perfect in this story.

This shows how anxious full-grown adults were towards my abuser. Now imagine how afraid I was as a child in this situation.

“Why don’t you look for help?”

When blaming the victim, a question that comes up frequently is why they wouldn’t ask for help if they were experiencing the abuse. I already covered fear: you might be scared about how the abuser might react when you’re telling on them. If my mother would hear I talked to someone at school or in the family about what happened at home she would get really angry.

There’s also fear of people not believing you, as in, “I met her, she’s nice”. At the time, I also barely knew how to explain any of what was going on. I believed that I was a part of the problem as that’s what I was being told.

These are common answers you would hear from everyone who escaped from an abusive environment, but I want to add one more thing: I tried! Multiple times!

I was talking to a school teacher about it. At some point, she met me at the library and asked me something to which I replied “My mom no longer wants me to talk to you”. She seemed okay with that and there was no follow-up ever again.
During Dutch classes, I once said that my mom was drinking two bottles of wine every evening. The teacher waved it away like it was some bad joke. I wasn’t kidding.
During religion/society classes, the teacher asked the class “When was the last time your mother gave you a compliment”. I answered, “Last year at Easter when she was drunk”. I wasn’t kidding.
A mechanics teacher once asked me “You’re so silent, is something wrong?”, I answered: “my mom tried to kill herself yesterday”. He legitimately did not know how to react to that.
A year after the incident with my aunt and grandmother, my mom told people at a communion of a niece, while being under the influence, that I attempted to take my own life two days earlier. No one knew what to do or say.

I looked for help. Multiple times. No one knew what to do.

Now what?

I’m still in therapy to overcome certain traumas…
I have been abused for 20 years and that has left its scars. There’s no longer a need to save me because I already saved myself, still working on it…

What I do want to share is, that we’re all adults here, with jobs and responsibilities. There’s no need for me to write an extensive list of symptoms on how to recognize a friend who’s being abused. We know the signs. In every corner, people are asking for help, but are we listening?
We all know people that are undergoing some of this mess, but we don’t want to know. It’s easier to pretend everything is fine and we all live in a “happy happy” world.
Of course, it’s complicated; No one is stating otherwise. There are no simple answers on how to solve these types of situations, but can we, as adults, at least try?